My Son

April 17, 2009 by  
Filed under The Wind, Wendi's Words

An Addict’s Mom – Part 1

My Son

Tomorrow I will go to the Eldorado county jail to pick up my son for the 2nd time. I am nervous. When I gave birth to my son, I made a lot of great choices that would create a foundation for a baby to grow up healthy and strong and bright. Everything was in place- I read all the books on how to give him the best of everything… I made sure he had the best foods, the best childcare, involvement in school, great family connections, love and dedication… And after spending his 25th birthday in jail, I am on my way to pick him up. They will take away all my belongings and coldly tell me to walk down the hall and follow the blue line. img_0489 I will look at him through a tiny window at midnight. The guards will treat me with indifference. I will see his face across the room as we wait for them to process his papers. I will imagine what it will feel like for him to be hugged for the first time in months. I will cry, and be the most confused, sad, angry and scared that I have ever been in my life. After a lifetime of loving my child, this moment was never, ever in the plan.
Watch your head
It is not the first time. A year ago, I picked him up from Jail. My beautiful son- the tall, handsome, creative genius with an unbelievable ability to inspire others- is an addict. Just like most addicts, he started doing vicodin in school as a recreational way to get high. Vicodin is just the start and it changes the brain in such a way that you have to increase the dosage just to avoid withdrawals. As you work your way up to Oxycontin you become a horribly addicted opiate addict. The withdrawals are severe and intense. You increase your dosage to avoid the physcial pain and hate yourself more and more as you spend every hour of your day managing your addiction. And after getting high with vicodin because it feels good, your life is deeply and profoundly changed forever. In the last 4 years my life has been a constant struggle to try to figure out how to make him stop. I have sacrificed so much, we all have. As he battles with an addicted brain, and the pain and guilt of having hurt so many people, he reaches for anything that will numb his pain. Opiates robbed his brain of the  ability to feel good or just plain happy on it’s own. His brain depends on opiates to feel what we consider to be a natural state of happiness. He hurts. He openly tells me how horrible it is to steal to get money for oxy. He hates it and lives with his guilt every day. In jail the first time he, and all those drug addicts that surround him, sit and deal with the sentence that is greater than any judge could impose. The fear of how you will deal with reality without drugs. The guilt of knowing that you have hurt those that love you so deeply… and that it will probably happen again. Sean battles with his fragile state of going back to life without having any new tools, thoughts or direction to release his demons. Jail doesn’t provide much in the way of personal growth. When the phone rings and I see that same number on the caller ID I am excited to talk to him. I listen to the recording telling me that this is a call from an inmate at the Eldorado County correctional facility. I have that recorded voice stuck in my head. I love to hear his voice. He sounds so hopeful and so ready to make his life into something remarkable. How did this happen? I loved him, cared for him, read to him, hugged him, woke him up each morning with loving words, held his dreams in my heart, and tried and tried to do my best. He has been in jail for 3 months this time. Jail. Correctional facility. Correction, yea right. What is it correcting? My fear is that despite his overwhelming desire to never, ever go back to drug use,  it could happen. Families of addicts know that you hold on hard to your dream of having a happy, healthy child who has learned from the depths of hell, that it is time to live without drugs. And these families also know that your holding on for dear life. Literally. I am holding on-  to a thread of hope. Addiction makes you something you never thought you would be. And involves everyone and everything in your life. Tomorrow I will go pick up my son. I will hope, pray, and scream from the depths of my soul that this is the last time he and I share this special moment together. I am certain this will be the last time I see him in jail. I am certain this is the last time he will do drugs. And yea, I am scared.
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Comments

15 Responses to “My Son”
  1. Laura says:

    Dear Wendi,

    Having traveled down the road you are on – but under slightly different circumstances, my heart goes out to you. I am holding you in my healing thoughts & if there is anything I can do to help like making a “Pineapple” soap, or anything else – please let me know!!

    I Love you, I Am Sorry, Please Forgive Me, Thank You!!

    All my loving intentions for the good of all.

    KaNani

  2. ken claffey says:

    Wendi

    This is ken from North Carolina as a person who credits you with helping me overcome alcohol addiction my heart goes out to you.You know what to do you have done it for others, so it might be up to Sean to do what he has to do.He will have to fight hard,and then one day his brain will click.
    The only recommendation I have is to replace some of that energy he used for his addiction with a physical activity running,swimming, cycling ect,ect.

    I love you for what you did for me and always will, I try to pay it foward so if I can ever do anything for you let me know.Your friend Ken

    PS-I just ran my first Marathon last month in Charlottesville Virginia…remember there are many ways to the top of the mountain,and they are mountains worth climbing.

    • wendi says:

      Ken, you totally rock! A marathon… wow, what was your time? How did it feel? I can’t imagine what strength and powerful mind and soul it takes to make this happen. I love you man!

      Biggest hugs ever… you are such a winner.

      Wendi

  3. Pierrette Lyons says:

    Dear Wendi. My heart goes out to you. I know exactly how you are feeling as my daughter is also an addict to vicodin and oxycontin. When I was a young mother, I was always a little worried that something would happen to my 2 girls, and as they got older, that fear went away..me thinking since they were adults, and I taught them everything that I know to protect them, they would finally be safe. Then my oldest daughter developed leukemia and needed a bone marrow transplant. My younger daughter, who I am sure felt the world was on her shoulders, was her donor for her transplant, and at the same time started abusing the narcs, for “numbing her feelings”. After 6 mos of fighting tremendously hard for her life…Stephanie passed away…and Lisa continued with her addiction. So, right now, I feel like I have lost both of them. She has been in treatment centers twice now, and has been “clean” for 7 months. Her life will never be the same…nor will mine. I am not sure if I agree with the 12 step method…and she wont let me hypnotize her for addictions, so… after spending thousands and thousands of dollars trying to “help” her…I am finally making a huge decision that hopefully will help both of us…it is her life, and if she is going to drag it into the ground, she will do it, with or without my “help”… so… I am releasing her to someone who is much more powerful than me, and they will have to figure it out. I cant do this anymore, and have learned that she needs to fight for herself, I cant fight for what she needs. she is the only one who can make it happen…..good, or bad. I love you and send you my blessings and remember to keep taking care of yourself. You cant give to others, if you have already given everything away. You have to keep yourself refueled. xoxoxox

  4. Bridgett says:

    I could’ve written this myself — same story pretty much.
    Last week in church, the minister taught us to pray:

    I freely and fully release __________ to make the choices that are best for him to best of his ability and current understanding for the highest good in his life, and for the highest good in my life.

    My son tells me he is still clean after rehab a year and a half ago — I can only love him unconditionally, and release him to the Divine.

  5. Hi Wendi,

    I feel your pain and am here sending you loving energy and healing. You have helped so many people in the world and now it’s your turn to receive.

    It’s funny how in the world we all think that our lives have to take certain courses. I strongly believe that you should now put your faith in knowing that you have done everything you can for your son. It hurts to let them go I know I have a son who is 20 who has just gone through a crisis and if it helps you to know the moment when I stopped worrying about him he started to find his way again. Some one said to me that sending worry is like sending negative energy and I think this is how it works. Just send your son loving thoughts all the time.

    You also deserve to have a life of happiness and your path is not the same as your sons. You have done your best, your son’s challenge is his challenge and life path and through the hard times it’s how we grow the most however painful that might be to a mother who wants to fix it all.

    That’s the hardest part for us woman learning to take a back step I believe.

    Ask that he is supported now with his guides and surround him in white light.
    I sense that very soon you will start to see a great shift and a great healing.

    And it’s ok to enjoy yourself and have fun, you aren’t betraying your son at any level he needs to strong and fit and happy

    Lots of love to you,

    Sally Francis xx
    http://www.sallyfrancis.net

  6. Leon says:

    Wendi, I am sad reading your tale. You as someone that helps so many others.

    The thought that comes to my mind is that many people ask why did / do you do that. How about asking why you won’t. I belive he needs his own meaningful reasons why he won’t do this anymore and he won’t.

    Best wishes to you, your son and all!

  7. Kiki says:

    Dear Wendi,
    I really hope you read this. Please get him accupuncture NOW. The mind has to change, you have those tools. The BODY has to change, that’s why accupuncture is for. Also, if you can get him to get Reiki (best bet get an accupuncturist that also does Reiki or works with a Reiki master), and that will help his SOUL. So start with the accupuncture. Honestly, it works.

  8. Jonnata says:

    Wendi,
    My heart goes out to you during this difficult time. Our family is experiencing similar struggles. Our worst nightmare is that we will get the call from the hospital and it will be the end of a beautiful soul. As you know, all we can do is believe that this will be overcome. My love to you and your family.
    Jonnata

  9. Yvonne says:

    I pray and send Reiki for you and your beautiful son. I can’t imagine what the struggle your son and so many others face, kicking drugs. For every hour, for every day that your son is off them, must be a tremendous accomplishment. Some one I know and love very much has quit for some years now, and I was certain every time she quit, she would succeed. I’m so grateful she did it, and she’s alive. This world is so much better off with her in it, doing the wonderful things she does, giving so much love, and she is constantly showing us, “never give up” on those you love. Wendi and Sean, I’m sure you are both scared. Make this be the last stay in jail, and make this be life without drugs. May the love of each other help you both. Sean, I am confident this is your turning point. You are surrounded by sooooo much love. Yvonne

  10. Leeza says:

    My heart goes out to you Wendi, i wont even try to say i know what your going through as i do not.

    The closest i have come to that is bailing my step daughter out of Jail twice for DUI. My own children are at that ‘danger’ age and that alone terrifies me.

    I shall however light a candle for both you and your son and ask the angels and spirit guides to send you love, comfort, compassion and strength for as long as you need their support.

    Know that you are loved and supported by many. And we are always here when you need us.

  11. wendy says:

    oooooooooooooooooooooo…… *sobbing*
    my heart to you…. we travelled almost a very similiar path. My beloved son… all I could think about and FEEL was that tiny newborn innocently and warmly laying in my arms. Those big beautiful hugs and kisses from a rambunctious tot… many phone calls from school… “your son is hyperactive” and many sleepless nights of worry.

    Yet the heart is filled with a love only a mother could know.

    May peace fill every ounce of you as you walk forward in time. And the great thing is, all those wonderful memories are always stored in a special spot, where you can find them…. anytime.

  12. patty says:

    Wendi, thanks for sharing. We are all with you and Sean, and never give up.

  13. Sue says:

    Wendi, I am so sorry for your pain, Sean’s pain – and the pain of all who love him.
    I have no words of wisdom, just know that I care and will keep all of you in my thoughts and prayers.

    Good luck and hugs to all of you.

    Abbey/Sue

  14. george says:

    I am sorry to hear you are going through this pain, Wendi. Addiction is a rough one for the addicted, but especially tough on the ones that love them.

    Do not give up hope no matter how thin the string seems. A great man once said that the you can change the world with faith the side of a mustard seed. (no, his last name wasn’t McKenna)

    I will be thinking of you. Best wishes.

    Best regards and be strong
    Your student and friend

    george

    PS: if you ever want to hear a success story of the overcoming of addiction let me know and I will email you about my brother who went from living in a car to moving across country, alienating all of his former friends and lifestyle and overcoming addiction. He is now an upstanding, successful, motivated man with a heart of gold. (the story does not include any words that end with -oholic or 12 step program.)So don’t lose hope

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