The Wind

April 18, 2009 by  
Filed under The Wind, Wendi's Words

(Scroll down to read part 1) Part 2 – An Addict’s mom

The Wind

Last year when my son was in jail, and I used to sit on the beach and stare at the waves and wonder how it happened. How did I do this? How did he do this? How did I fail him? “I listen to the wind of my soul…” The Wind Cat Stevens played in my headphones, and the words to THE WIND would take me to the depth of my soul’s longing to go back and make it different. I loved him. How could drugs take my son away from me and shred his life. “I swam upon the devil’s lake…” The words float through my head as I stare at the ocean and try to imagine how it must feel to be trapped in your own body with all the guilt, blame, anger tormenting you every minute. And then I try to imagine how he must think about having his life back. He hurts. And the drugs take away the hurt. The devil’s lake. Last year I thought it was over and that this would be the new beginning that we hoped for. After I picked him up, his commitment was solid. He knew he was not like them… the inmates who kept coming back to jail over and over, unable to ever make good of their life. He was different. He is different.
He is not like them, the degenerates, the poverty stricken, the homeless, uneducated criminals who have no regard for others. Please tell me he is not one of them. Last year I hated myself every time I had to stand in a line to get visitation privileges so I could talk through a glass window with a phone that has a 12 inch cord. Do you know why it has only a 12 inch cord? So you won’t strangle yourself! I knew that this image of my son, my baby, now at 6’4” starting at me through glass would be the image that would haunt me the rest of my life. I hate him for it. I hate myself for letting it happen. There must have been something I could have done. I hate myself for hating myself. That last sentence makes me cry. “I listen to my words, but they fall far below…” Things didn’t go well after Sean got out. More rehab, more sober living houses and watching him surrounded by a lot of addicts who all have a hair trigger. Chin up girl, you can do this! (but really that feel more like a ?) 
Yes, I will be the wind beneath his wings. After all, I am the great and powerful Wendi. I can help people to do anything, to make their life be like WOW. But wow, this is different in a million ways. And here just an arm’s length away, all the hugs and kisses and love can’t heal what is so badly broken. I hate this drug culture. I feel bad for using the word hate so much. I don’t think that we should hate anything, it is not healthy. I am scared to look in the deep, dark scary place in my soul where that hate lives. I am scared. Gotta shore up the dam a bit. A year later and I have to do this again. I have to go shove my ID into that little slot, take shit from a condescending, indifferent woman who will coldly tell me where to go. I am not one of them! But she, and everyone in the jail will treat me like on of them. I am falling apart in ways I don’t really find very attractive. I hope the dam doesn’t break. I have worked really hard to make it sturdy. Hold tight. Chin up, chest out.
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Comments

10 Responses to “The Wind”
  1. Pierrette Lyons says:

    Dear Wendi..I know exactly how easy it is for anyone to get vicodin and oxy from the drs. office. I know, because I work at one….since my daugher is an addict, I have had several heart to heart talks with my boss, the Dr. He says that he has learned a lot from me…as they dont have any teachings on addictions when they go thru med school…can you believe it!!!! He is now taking CME’s for addictions and pain management. I Hate that part of my job…seeing all these people get drugs,month after frickin month. He is only one dr, and that is like a needle in a haystack. I wish I could get this off the market. My 91 yr old father, had surgery recently..and guess what they put him on.. you guessed it. I about hit the roof. Some day, I hope we can change the world…one doctor at a time. Hang in there…times gotta get better. Hopefully they wont get worse, but please remember, that you dont have any control over his addiction. You have amazing gifts, girl, and you are a survivor…as well as your son. It is a good thing that God only gives us one day a time… any more would be too much to handle. Blessing to you and yours. xoxoxox

  2. Sandy says:

    I know your pain AND I FEEL FOR YOU………thank you for sharing your important journey, Wendi. You have inspired me to share my story (first time in written format). I had suspicions of my daughter (she was 22) in May of 2007 (I was naive’). My suspicions were confirmed in December of 2007 (after 1.5 years of utter confusion). My precious baby admitted to being a heroine, cocaine & oxycotin (spelling?) addict! as well as dealer (she’s always been a dynamic entrepreneur) (:) (there was intense, ugly, crazy events that went into finally getting this confession) (someone on drugs will lie through their teeth no matter what for as long as they can get away with it)….I told her to forget I was her mother and to never contact me again until she wanted to speak her truth……she finally confessed to my niece (only because she was down to 85 pounds @ 5’7 and she had no food or money and her health was failing quickly). – you never really understand “tough love” until you take this journey with an individual you have given birth to) In all honesty, with my programming (I am a Hypnotherapist)….it would have been easier to hear she had passed on because I felt that was where she was headed anyway. As soon as she confessed……I told her there would be no rehab for her, so…what were her plans? Did she really want to end this trip to the dark underworld? Was she over it? Did she want to live or die? I told her I had planned her funeral (that felt like a knife through my heart)….written her eulogy and picked out a dress to wear to a celebration for her precious life which she had now shown me meant nothing to her……her life was a gift to me and if she wasn’t going to live in celebration of it…..I refused to die off my life in trying to save hers!…….(I have always been there for my daughter and I had no reason to accept this CHOICE she had made for herself – if this was something her soul had contracted – it was time to stop the madness. I would help her to help herself (for Gawd sake…..even God won’t do more than that)!……She was in amazement of my statements and stated she wanted to live. I told her I felt “rehab” was one more way to make people think they have some incurable disease and my belief systems says…..hmmm??….sounds like a great way to make money off desperate people. If my money is going anywhere it will be taking me to Canyon Ranch Spa for a week of rest and recovery! So…..my daughter was not in this alone (yes, there was a partner in crime known as her “boyfriend”)……they refused to separate and “boyfriend” had no support system…..guess who became his support system? (my estranged former husband and myself) Needless to say…..my daughter was so…fragile….she was not well enough to withdraw off the heroine, et all…..this would have killed her. She had researched Methadone clinics (this is a whole other scary story about big money and purposely keeping people in their addictions to make bucks off them every day FOREVER if possible). She found a clinic and I stated I would not pay for this she would have to ask another family member (beleive me through the course of the last few years – I had already paid dearly for much – I was done)!. I would cover other expenses and do hypnosis, energy work and supply love and compassion with her and her “boyfriend”, but my money would NOT go to synthetic heroine (methadone). It felt too disrespectful! My former husband (her estranged father who she hadn’t talked to in months) agreed to pick up the expense (thank you to him). I set a time limit for withdrawing off the Methadone with daughter and BF…….it was December (Christmas was nothing short of HELL)……March 2008 looked like a good time frame in which she could get her weight up to withdraw off Methadone (far more difficult than withdrawing off Heroine, et all…..)…..Once they got stabilized on the Methadone (ICK…..this stuff was nasty! it wrecked their memories further, made them totally forgetful and when you looked in their eyes…..it was hard to find them in there)! they actually acted more normal when they were shooting heroine? Only they looked like walking corpses (watch the movie: Permanent Midnight with Ben Stiller)…..I am going to fast forward now because I could go on and on…….daughter got her health back up somewhat……..stabilized on Methadone (which she hated with a passion)……when March came she started reducing her Methadone dose (without the consent of the clinic because they didn’t want her to get off the stuff)……we did hypnosis and energy work and her body started rejecting the Methadone…..my daughter found another step she could take to move herself off Methadone (it was called Suboxone) and it had to be prescribed by a trained physician. The kicker….she had to go into full blow Methadone withdrawals in order to allow her opiate receptors to be free of the Methadone and ready to latch on to the Suboxone. We decided to have fun with this and really make it a learning journey (otherwise I would still be paralyzed in fear and not able to write on this blog)………have fun with Methadone withdrawals? YES! I have never witnessed anything like opiate withdrawals….take the worst flu and multiply it by 10, 20, 30?????? The pain in my daughter’s legs was so..intense…she was screaming…..think of the worst sinus infection with migraines, ear issues, stomach, bowels, digestion and RESTLESS LEG SYNDROME to the nth degree!……..We decided to go walk around, window shop, get ice cream (let me tell you we must have been a sight) Anything to distract her and reinforce why she was doing this…….her BF stayed home because they were not getting along well through all this stress. Get this…..she had actually secured a new job while on Methadone and her first 2 days of work were when she went into withdrawals….. Luckily, she had the 2 worst days of withdrawals off……SHE STARTED A NEW JOB IN METHADONE WITHDRAWALS!!!!! (this is a respectable job and she has done great been there for 14 months now) Who knew this could be done? She had no choice! (If she didn’t get a job and start faking normalcy – I could not help her) I told her if she didn’t get a job and get back on the path of the person she came into this lifetime to be……i would not be there for her….find a new Mom!…….She successfully transitioned from methadone onto Suboxone. There’s a whole other dynamic story about Suboxone, but to make a long story shorter…….a month later she withdrew off Suboxone onto Claunadin (spelling?)……and by May of 2008 she was off everything! Working mostly full time and now ready to deal with the rebuilding of her body (another big story)……..She went back to college in September of 2008 and I am happy to say….she will be graduating with her degree this month! She released her BF in April of 2008 and moved back in with me in June of 2008 (still with me today and we have never worked harder together EVER). She had accrued thousands of dollars of debt and even spent the night in jail because she failed to deal with a proof of insurance and registration in a minor traffic violation……When she missed her court date…a warrant went out for her arrest and as she was speeding to work last Memorial Day…..she got picked off (once again)…….there was no bail…only a fee of $1200.00. She begged an pleaded for me to pay it and she’d pay me back (yah right)! After much anguish, 50 gut wrenching phone calls……i told her to stay in jail. Evidently, the prison guards were listening to our phone calls and got the gist of everything we had been through…….they treated her like a total criminal all night, wouldn’t let her sleep, or look out the window and scared her to DEATH! ( I shoulda sent them a thank you note). They helped her to see the light in more ways than one! As of today, May 2, 2009…she is debt free (except for the last money she owes me and she’s almost done paying me off)(she has paid back every penny in thousands of debt, paid for school expenses – truly amazing) …..she is graduating college!!!!!! (this has brought back up many self defeating thought processes, but she has worked them through and her nutrition has been key)! she is 5;7, 115 pounds (she’s got a metabolism like a furnace)……she is well liked and respected by her peers…..and she’s got a helluva story! She knows she will be drug tested if she ever appears “off” and she is excited about her future. She knows how time consuming and HARD it was to take the long way off drugs and she knows what it’s like to watch the drones line up at the Methadone clinic in order to get their daily ration of serum……to go to the public health clinic to be tested for strange illnesses linked to drug abuse (luckily she escaped them) (she had no insurance……we learned where the indigants went and we went there). I feel it’s important to let a drug addict experience the full realm of their choices and to show them clearly who they have become by the choices they have made. I have a new found respect for the people who work in public health care and I am so..thankful they were there for my daughter. Taking this journey was beyond the hardest experience of my life (and there have been many). It has become the most fullfilling experience my daughter and I have experienced together. I am in awe of this journey and I have such a greater reverance for life. This was my greatest fear realized and while I wouldn’t wish it on anyone……..I don’t know that I would have been able to learn what I’ve learned without this profound life experience. My daughter knows that I will not be present should she decide to repeat this experience of self destruction. I cannot allow myself to go through this type of experience more than once….it would cause harm to me and I deserve to protect myself. You can only give up so….much of your own journey for the sake of another soul before you become in disregard for your own soul’s harmony. My daughter knows I would miss her terribly should she decide to forsake herself again and cross over, but I would continue to live a bright and brilliant life in honor of her memory!

    We are all in this together and I will be holding you in my thoughts Wendi! Everything will work out exactly as it’s supposed to. I will hold space for Sean as well. He is bringing about tremendous opportunities for clarity in all of the lives he touches……You touch millions of lives Wendi! You are sharing intimate information that is helping people you will never even meet. What a bright, beautiful and strong soul you are! Your son is blessed that you agreed to be his loving, caring, compassionate mother! Blessings to you and your entire family! – Sandy

  3. rex says:

    Wendi, I have learned so much from you. In hope of giving something back, I am sending you a link to a video that I hope you can gain some solace. It is Dan Gilbert at the 2004 TED conference talking about happiness and freedom of choice. I know that I gained some insight into my own addictions and perspectives on relapse, perhaps your son may find some of valuable.

    http://www.ted.com/index.php/talks/dan_gilbert_asks_why_are_we_happy.html

  4. wow says:

    if you can’t leave a nice comment, reno, don’t leave any. this is a serious subject. you were rude to her.

  5. Lisa says:

    Wendi,
    I am a clinician on a psychiatric inpatient unit (County facility) and there are many who come in with psychotic breaks due to prescription drugs. No, they are not all the homeless, the mentally ill, the former foster child, etc. Yes, they have been to jail. I talk with the family members if the patient will sign a release and I hear the pain, the frustration, the anguish in their voice and know it comes from the heart. Recently, look at Farrah Fawcett’s son. It is scary and the addicted mind has a giant task on it’s shoulders to overcome the “elusive hero” that is never exactly as good as they thought it was going to feel. The culture is swarming with opportunities to use. I am the mother of 2 grown sons and have not had to deal with this issue and I am so grateful. But, I work with it daily. It is not any fault of yours or how you raised him. The peer pressure is apparently available with almost every encounter. Be strong and confident. You will survive this and go on to better days. I am sending you supportive thoughts today and will continue to think of Sean as the handsome son that he is. Lisa

  6. Don Pelles says:

    Wendi — I’m here. I’m lisetning. More later.
    Huggs –
    Don Pelles

  7. Don Pelles says:

    Wendi — I’m here. I’m listening. All for now.
    Huggs –
    Don Pelles

  8. Alyson Kelly says:

    Hang in there, Wendi. You are a good mother and a beautiful person. Sending you positive energy and love. Sean can triumph over this.

  9. John Andrew says:

    Good Luck Wendi – Be strong…

  10. Maggie says:

    I don’t know your pain, I don’t know your sadness and I don’t know your confusion but, I have felt your strength, your power, your energy and your love and I do know that you can work amazing magic in so many ways. Sean is a lucky young man, strong and brilliant from what I know. He can fight the demons and win and with you by his side, he is limitless. Sending energy, strength and love to both of you and holding you close in my heart. ~Maggie.

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