Forget about it already

If you are tormented by your past, you will want to read this.

Why can’t you just forget about it?

Can you really put the past behind you? On the show this week we talked about how to put the negative memories, events and other various emotionally devastating traumas in the past. The show was on addiction, but the method of putting the past behind us is something everyone needs. Let’s face it, we are all struggling with things we did in the past. Or maybe we are fighting the memories of things that were done to us. Maybe your obsessive thought is just an image of something you saw that you simply cannot get out of your head. People always ask me if I can make them just forget it, erase it, or eliminate it. It might be possible, but probably won’t be permanent and will still have the emotional content of that memory. And that emotional content is what causes all the trouble. The emotional content of the memory floods the body with a release of chemicals, even years later. The chemicals continue to be released, but even worse, this affects how your cells reproduce. What do do? How to change it? Trying to use hypnosis to block the memory does not stop the chemical release of the emotional memory, so a better way to handle it, would be to change the content of the memory. When you activate the feelings associated with the memory, and then look at it in a different way, you can change the emotional content. For instance, if you had an embarrassing event years ago, you can look into that memory and ask your very wise inner self to find the positive lesson or the thing that you have decided as a result of this experience. When you bring the positive lesson into the memory and put in the new emotions that go along with that new powerful belief, the memory no longer sends the chemicals of fear or sadness or guilt or anger into your body. Make sense so far? Anything that triggers the old memory is now met with a new response. The old memory didn’t go away, but the reaction has changed. If this process is done well there should be an entirely new feeling ( something like a “yippee I feel so dang good now” sort of reaction)  that results from the old memory being triggered. And this is why even hard core addicts and alcoholics have totally eliminated their cravings. You still with me? Now- think about this. You have 100s or 1000s or bazillions of these old memories running amok in your brain. They are not all causing havoc, but there are a few key ones that are totally helping you feel depressed, afraid, filled with anxiety, turning to drugs and alcohol and diving deep into hopelessness and despair. Here’s the solution. This is why people have miraculous healing. The very real result of these crappy memories is how this affects our health. (not to mention your worthiness) When you are depressed your immunity is compromised. When you are angry your emotions cause damaging stress. When you are stressed your body cannot fight off viruses, bacteria, cancer and disease. Let’s change it. It is really not as hard as it sounds. When you watch the shows from this week, you will understand more. (links to shows below) But if you want the fast track to obliterate the bad joo joo, I’ve got your back. The holy trinity of healing the past. Forgiveness Resolving the Past Releasing the triggers How much will it cost to fix it all up? Not much. These three hypnotherapy sessions are some of the most powerful work I have done for my clients over the years. These are the result of 1000s of sessions with clients who have serious difficulty with depression and health issues. I believe that NOTHING is more POWERFUL than the experience you will have when you resolve the past. Let’s do this! All 3 sessions- were $87. But for you, I combined them into one sadness, anger and depression smashing package, and if you download it you can have it for only $29. Yes, the entire package is only $29. Find out how to get this, now DID YOU CATCH THE SHOW ON ADDICTION THIS WEEK? HERE IS THE REPLAY! If you want to stop your addictive cravings, bad habits, and fears of never getting clean and sober, you have to watch this. DAY 1- The truth about Rehab and Failure Day 2- Addictions and Triggers Day 3- Addiction and Massive Change If you decide to do my program for RELEASING THE PAST, consider using a journey to write down the feelings, thoughts and new beliefs that emerge as a result. Writing in a journal has amazing power and doing it right after each session can totally help your brain transform the pain of your past. Remember, I love you, Wendi Friesen Need serious help? Take 50% off today, if you need to stop the depression, anger and hopelessness. My Life- A program to end depression Chill Out- A program to end your anger Happiness 101- A program to let go and start feeling happy again. Quit Smoking- Stop the cravings, get serious! Use the coupon SERIOUS to to take 50% off these and get your life started.

877.68.HAPPY 916.933.0700 Wendi Friesen, CHT On Wednesday I was in the audience at the Conan O’Brien show. I really like Conan and will be sad to see him go. He’s a funny guy.  His life long dream of being the host of the tonight show got yanked out from under him. At least he still has his fame and money. Phew. What a relief, huh? (I was so worried for him) Haiti Help On a serious note, the earthquake in Haiti is just so devastating and unimaginable from our comfortable, warm, safe homes. Let’s help out. 100% of the sale of either of these programs, will be donated to the RED CROSS. Ho’oponopono OR Stress Release Use Coupon Code REDCROSS to get either or both of these and by the end of the day on Saturday the entire proceeds will be paid directly to the RED CROSS. Thank you for helping out and receiving a gift from me as a thank you! Resources Shop Online Live Help Wendi’s Blog Connect with Wendi Best sellers and New Programs Ho’oponopono Inspired Intuition Magnificent Memory Pain Control Stroke Recovery Control- For men Somnulucent: End Insomnia Wake Up Happy Alcohol Freedom Think Thin 7 days Body Mastery Extreme Health End Internet P0rn Addiction End Procrastination Power Nap Confidence Power Quit Smoking Zen of Thin

Did my show shake you up?

The Wendi.TV show is so bloated and full, it should be put on a diet!

Wow, what a great 3 days of getting things squared away for resolutions. One of my readers got mad at me  that I said your resolutions are doomed. But it is true. And you need to know why I said that. I seriously believe that the last three days of my show might be the most powerful and mind altering education you can get if you want to stop a bad habit, addiction, behavior or change your personality.  And you can watch them all now. No charge, of course. Part 1 – Why your resolutions WILL fail Part 2 – Rewiring your brain and people really do change (even you) Part 3 – Moving Mountains- how to make your change, your action and commitment almost automatic Did you hear the show today? It will shake you up.

I love you guys! One of you asked me ~~~~~ Wendi, how can I believe that change is possible when I am feeling hopeless? And what about the old emotions and past failures that stop me from trying again? Whether it is weight, exercise, habits, addictions or any behavior change, this session will blow you away. And I don’t say that lightly. Read the description. This might be the single biggest thing you do if you want to change a habit or addiction. (and take an additional 30% off the sale price with the coupon below) Emotional Dump. See it here. An another brilliant man asked me~~~~~ Wendi, how about making it seem like I have always LOVED to workout, that it has been a lifestyle and make me feel that I do it everyday. Like brushing my teeth, getting dressed. Make me feel like I just work out every day because it is what I have always done. BRILLIANT! Yes, I loved this idea. And I made a kick ass session that will equate working out with the things you have always done, the things that are automatic and simple. Then I asked your brain to accept that you have always done this and always will keep on doing it. Workout Lifestyle- Re-Imprinting memories. See it here ~~~~~ Additional 30% off the SALE price on both of the sessions above! Use coupon code MAX30 ~~~~~ Remember to come to the show and get all the help you need, including actually hypnosis sessions during the show. Live Every Week! Put it on your Calendar, set an alarm. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday. Noon Pacific time 3 pm Eastern Find your local time here Wendi.TV Monday- Tune in here- http://www.Wendi.TV OR at Ustream http://www.ustream.tv/channel/wendi.tv Are you again struggling to try to figure out why your resolutions will fail? Why do you feel hopeless about making a big or small change? Is your excitement for the new year not all it should be? Catch the archives now, and join me next week. Remember, I love you, Wendi Friesen PS- I have a list of programs that are all about ending your bad habits and addictions and I gave out a 50% off link during the live show. I think there are a few of you who might also be ready to stop the bad habits, bt you could not make the show. You need to stop procrastinating, drinking, p0rn, fingernail biting, smoking and more, more, more. To get the list and the COUPON code, please do this: ~~~~~ Email to OFFICE@WENDI.COM Subject line- must say: My Fantastic Resolution ~~~~~ You will receive a return email with the links and the discount. I will make it good for ONE day, so grab it now. And be sure to TWITTER the show link, just send friends to http://www.Wendi.TV and they will get to enjoy the show for free as well.

877.68.HAPPY 916.933.0700 Wendi Friesen, CHT Thank goodness the holidays are over. As special as it can be, I always feel a sigh of relief when I can put away all that tacky xmas stuff. I think that for most people, the thought of new years resolutions are met with a feeling similar to hitting yourself in the head with a hammer. Seriously- another diet? Another attempt at working out every day? Step away from the hammer. Two of my members gave me brilliant ideas for sessions. Just brilliant. If you want to make a suggestion for a topic just email it to me by replying to this email. If I like it, I will make it! You guys are really inspiring and the thing I love the MOST about what I do is being in close contact with you. Be sure to read the PS at the bottom. I have a cool secret offer for you. Resources Shop Online Live Help Wendi’s Blog Connect with Wendi Best sellers and New Programs Ho’oponopono Inspired Intuition Magnificent Memory Pain Control Stroke Recovery Control- For men Somnulucent: End Insomnia Wake Up Happy Alcohol Freedom Think Thin 7 days Body Mastery Extreme Health End Internet P0rn Addiction End Procrastination Power Nap Confidence Power Quit Smoking Zen of Thin

HypnoHoliday super sale

Consider Your Shopping DONE! I got you covered. And with gifts for you!

This is it! Every item you buy, you will get a 2nd one free! Give one as a gift, keep one for yourself, give them both. And here is the Handy GIFT GUIDE to help you choose the perfect gift AND, if you order over $75, you get a bonus pack of awesome stocking stuffers and gifts for FREEEEEEE! And if you order over $150, you get my SUPER BONUS GIFT PACK for free. There is a way to make a change in those you love the most

It happens every year. You are worried about how on earth you will get a gift that has meaning, that will actually be appreciated and that really have an impact. I come along with the Handy Dandy Gift guide. Your problem is solved. BUT you just wish you could have all this stuff for yourself. So I fixed it all up for you. 2 for 1 on everything you order. Give one. Keep one. Brilliant. And a beautiful box of bonus love from me to you. BONUS GIFT # 1 Order over $75, and you get all this for free! Power Nap CD set Peace Within Appetite Zapper A $107 value, my gift. (In addition to the 2 for 1 on the regular items you order!) Bonus Gift #2 Order over $150 and you get all this- Power Nap CD set Peace Within Appetite Zapper Speed Read, Spell Well Mojo Mega DVD (sexy) How to Hypnotize Anyone DVD A $254 value, is my gift to you (in addition to the 2 for 1 on everything on the order) Starts NOW! 3 days only. Ends Friday at midnight. Start here at the GIFT GUIDE with wonderful suggestions for just about anyone in your family, business or circle of friends. COUPONS Use Code 2FOR1 at checkout to get the 2nd item free on everything you order. DO NOT order 2 of each. !!!!! ORDER only 1 of each thing !!!! You will receive a complimentary, identical program for every ONE item your order. Got it? The One Year money back guarantee is, as usual, on everything I create. Go get ‘em! Love to you! Wendi PS- use the coupon 2FOR1 The bonus package is automatically added if your order is over $75 or $150 PS- Imagine how wonderful it will be to help someone stop smoking, or give them the gift of sleep when you help them cure their insomnia, or bring them out of sadness with Wake Up Happy. This is a gift that will really make someone’s life a little better. Ho’Oponopono CD. It might be the most healing, nourishing, love filled gift you can give. Experience deep healing, forgiveness, love and immense gratitude. You can see it here- Get the CD for a friend you love, here. Or download it. If you need some love and a deep renewal, download it here. Remember, I love you, Wendi Friesen

877.68.HAPPY 916.933.0700 Wendi Friesen, CHT I love having this sale. I guess it is because when I try to pick out Christmas gifts I find things I like and I want to keep them! So I figure this has you covered. I am really excited about the boat parade that starts tonight. Yippee. 1.5 million people will descend onto the harbor… MY harbor, to watch. Wow. Remember to let me know how you liked the Piehole Hypnosis sessions! Put your comments here on the blog. So far people seem to like my Whacky hypno recordings. Cheap too, only $9. Buy here Comment here And see my crazy hypno chicken while you are there. Hey, did you see the NEW Inspired Intuition program? Someone might like to get that in their stocking! You’ll get TWO of them with the coupon 2for1 dontcha know! I think I am going to work on a super special hypno gift for everyone and send it out on the 25th. Watch your email for it. I will make something that get you thinking! Resources Shop Online Live Help Wendi’s Blog Connect with Wendi Best sellers and New Programs Ho’oponopono Inspired Intuition Magnificent Memory Pain Control Stroke Recovery Control- For men Somnulucent: End Insomnia Wake Up Happy Alcohol Freedom Think Thin 7 days Body Mastery Extreme Health End Internet P0rn Addiction End Procrastination Power Nap Confidence Power Quit Smoking Zen of Thin

Your friends are making you obese

Have you heard?

The people you hang out with might be making you fat.

(FREE Pedometer Offer at bottom of this page!)

Shocking, but true.
This study (and why do they have to spend money to find this out) shows that teenagers who hang out together will get fatter together. If you are a human being and you also breathe air, this should not be a revelation.

We become what we think about, do, and act upon. If you surround yourself with people who like to eat and sit around and live a sedentary life, you will NOT become a long distance runner.
If you surround yourself with people who love to mountain bike, or hike, or kayak for their recreation, chances are very good that you will be in good physical shape.

And cleverly enough, the person in charge of this obesity study is named Fry. Coincidence?
Here is the explanation from the article on how friends let friends get fat.

Tam Fry, of the UK’s National Obesity Forum, said mounting evidence suggested the link was causative.

“Other work has shown that you take on the weight attributes of your friends more than other people surrounding you, like neighbours, even if your friends live many miles away.”

He said it boiled down to shared bad habits, like eating the wrong foods and not getting enough exercise.

It can be hard to lose weight, and easy to gain it. And we are obviously influence by the people we surround ourselves with, and if that is not enough we have to battle our food issues that were deeply ingrained in our childhood. I remember a news show about a young boy, about 8 years old, who was 50 lbs overweight. The mother insisted that she had tried everything and was not overfeeding him. When they took the boy away from mom and sent him to live with Dad he lost all the excess weight and said “It’s fun to go out and play soccer and run. I like broccoli and salads” and things to that effect. Our environment obviously affects our choices that result in how heavy we are. And your friends are your environment.

Let’s have a reality check.

What’s in your kitchen? (or tucked under the sofa cushion)
Do you have lots of sweet yummy snacks, microwavable fatty foods, sugary drinks, multiple flavors of ice cream?
OR
Do you have to prepare food when you are hungry, chop vegetables, make food out of actual ingredients?

What do you do first thing in the morning?
Go directly to the fridge to gobble down some food?
OR
Wait a little while, take a walk, stretch, do some writing?

When planning an outing with friends what is the agenda?
Do you plan the day or evening based on food or dessert (have you tried that new cupcake store that just opened?) and virtually nothing else? (Let’s go to the Chocolate/Slug/Shortcake/Fried festival today!)
Or
Do you plan to go to an art show, beach walk, game night, bike ride… that also happens to include a meal along the way?

Which friends are you choosing to spend the most time with?
Obviously, we didn’t need a study to figure out that fat teenagers hang out with other fat teens, or that kids with bad eating habits become obese adults.

What do you want to change today?
What small thing will you do to make your life a little more active and a little less ice-creamy?

Stick a comment down there, inspire us!

Loving the change you are about to make today!

Wendi

And when you are ready for a massive change in 7 days, and want to lose 5-12 pounds in a week (yes, read the testimonials, shocking and true) just find out what power there is in making one small change a day.

One change a day, that’s all I ask.

Will you take the challenge?
We’ll see!
www.Wendi.com/thinkthin <—- CLick It. CoMe On, yOu CaN dO iT!

Hey, I can help your overweight kids too. This program is claimed to cause miraculous changes in kids eating habits and make them stop playing video games.

Seriously.
Hypnotic Stories for kids to lose weight

Get Your kids a free Pedomoter and challenge them to Jump, Dance, Twirl, Play Tag, Hop and do everything to rack up 10,000 points a day!

How about instead of video games, you play 500 Tag! See if you can find each other in less than 500 steps.

Or have a hopping treasure hunt- Hide something and track how many hops on the pedometer to find the treasure!

Order any of my Kids CDs here, and use coupon code FREEPED and I will put a nice Digital Pedometer in your box completely free.

GOT 2 kids? 3? More? In the comments put the quantity of up to 3 free pedometers as my gift to you!

Click here, order.
Use Coupon FREEPED
Ask for 1, 2, or 3 in the comments.

Addiction and your mind

This message made me stop and think, and renew my vow.

When I get an email like this, I realize there is so much more to be done. I have some amazing success stories, but when I get one like this it reminds me that I have work to do. The person who sent this doesn’t know that the email has put me into a full on mission to change the way we look at and treat addiction. ~~~~~ Dear Wendi, I have had a crack cocaine addiction for approx 12 years which has cost me my family as well as two very successful businesses. Since receiving one of your free CDs six months ago my life has had a dramatic turn around. I have just become an accredited life coach and my family is beginning to trust me again. I will shortly be in a position to purchase one of your complete programs which i truly believe is worth every penny. This morning i listened to Wendi’s 2 minute hypnosis and she mentioned the colour red would change everything, Well i went to buy a car today (first time in ages) and guess what? It is red. Thank you to Wendi and everyone at wendi.com for helping me get my life back. ~~~~~~ What happened after I read this? Read the rest of the story… Take the survey and get a $10 gift certificate now. Dear Wendi, You probably didn’t notice, but an Oncologist (cancer specialist) died last week. You might not know why he is important, but his work included research on how your attitude affects the outcome of cancer patients. He discovered that if you feel you are going to have a good outcome, you are more likely to recover and live and if you feel doomed your chances of dying increase. Who is he? ~~~~ Dr. O. Carl Simonton developed a model of emotional support for the treatment of cancer patients… an approach that introduced the concept that one’s state of mind could influence their ability to survive cancer. As chief of Radiation Therapy at Travis Air Force Base, Dr. Simonton implemented this model. This was the first systematic emotional intervention used in the treatment of cancer — a program that was approved by the surgeon General’s Office in 1973. While in private practice, Dr. Simonton utilized his unique approach for the treatment of cancer patients. A pilot study he conducted from 1974 to 1981, demonstrated an increase in survival time and improvement in quality of life. More about him… ~~~~ This is a good reminder to think good thoughts and continue to bombard an illness with a powerful focus to get well. I am continuing to read Evolve Your Brain, from Joe Dispenza and loving the miraculous healings that can happen when you put your brain to work on healing rather than focusing on the illness. If you need help with this, my new Body Mastery program is powerful way to create miracles in your mind and body in just a few days. Online program available so you can start now! Body Mastery Healing Program- 1/2 off this week. Regular price $199 This week, only $99 You get the INSTANT ONLINE program AND the CDs sent to your door. Learn more now Take care of your Body and your mind! Remember, I love you! Wendi What I love- Miraculous Healings Miracles keep pouring in. Robert emailed me, he has a miracle. It didn’t seem possible. He had a miraculous moment with the Body Mastery program. He has Ulcerative Colitis and has been struggling for years. After only 4 days with the Body Mastery program he is trying to figure out why he is feeling so much better. He says… Wendi Wendi Wendi, I have made it through day 4 so far, as I do one day at a time. I will have to tell you that these 4 days have completely had a POSITIVE impact in my life so far. I’m not sure if my Ulcerative Colitis is going in remission, but I can’t wait to listen to the next 4 day’s and am anticipating nothing but good thing from your secessions.   – Robert And Spike says- Thanks for spreading the truth Wendi. I’ve acheived a trifecta thanks to you – I’ve beat alcohol, nicotine and depression thanks to you (And tried all the usual clinical therapies and many medications, to no avail. I gave it my best and now understand more about why they  were ineffective for me.) Thanks so much, from a loyal and grateful customer.    -From spike Need a health miracle? Get the Body Mastery Extreme Health program. Start Day 1 now. I watched the Michael Jackson Memorial today. Did you? Realizing that his drug use resulted in such devastating issues in his life, including his death, is a reminder to us all to look at all the ways we can help other overcome their addictions. My son, who you may have read about on my blog, can walk into any hospital, fake back pain and walk out with a prescription. Our teenagers are doing it. Our friends and family members are doing it. And people’s lives are destroyed daily because of it. Multiple doctors and multiple stores. I’ve talked to the  hospitals. They know it is going on and are powerless to stop it. And how is it that there is no system to track multiple prescriptions? Insane. Take the survey, and find out what you can do to help me with my big vision to have a powerful effect on those who are struggling. Read it here and take the survey.

Hot Deal, get it now Ho’ oponopono Buy 1, get 1 free for a friend. My version of this is an experience of healing and wisdom. Combining the power of this ancient healing ritual with hypnosis is a profound experience that will change you forever! 2 for the price of one! Top Ten Most Loved Alcohol Freedom Think Thin 7 days Body Mastery Extreme Health End P0rn Addiction End Procrastination Power Nap Confidence Power Quit Smoking Zen of Thin Quick Links Wendi.com Twitter me, why? YouTube videos Blog Wendi Bunny Hypnosis video Hypno Quiz Why Twitter Wendi? Wow, this is too cool! On my Iphone I found AudioBoo. I can upload hypnosis sessions for you anytime I feel like it. Every now and then you get a 3 minute power hypnosis session, from my twitter feed. Recharge, energize, de-stress and love yourself in 3 minute bursts! Fun? Yes! Listen to this one Listen to another one Join me on twitter now!

Dreams

Part 4. To read parts 1-3, scroll down.

I Dreamed a dream

He is back out on the street making his own choices. An opiate addict has many episodes where they make some really hard choices. But the moment they decide to use again, the choice instantly gets easy.

They make a choice to go back to Oxy or heroin knowing they are also choosing fear, guilt, shame, failure and risking jail and anger and disappointment from their family. Apparently, opiates have the power to help make the one choice that outweighs the combination of all the bad things that will happen as a result of doing the drug.

For those of us who are not addicts, it makes no sense. Why would anyone choose to give up everything- your home, family, love, support, safety, food, money, warm bed at night.

And the drug is so powerful that you willingly trade in all of those for fear, homelessness, jail, having no bed, clothes or shower, pain, hunger… and no one who will lift a finger to help out.

I don’t get it. I understand it, I just don’t get it. Some of you know exactly what I am talking about.

It has been 4 days since he has been gone. Someone called and said they saw him at Taco Bell and that he looked really burnt. He finally called me yesterday and he can’t come home because he is using. He has only been out of jail for 2 weeks. Faced with your own ability to decide how your life is going to go, the temptation for opiate users is overwhelming when they are left to their own choices.

I had a dream last night- one of those that goes on forever. In my dream Sean had died of an overdose and I had to decide if I wanted to see him one last time. The dream was torture.

Opiates- vicodin, oxycontin, heroin, norco. They remove your ability to weigh consequences. You simply don’t have the ability any longer to connect action with consequences. This is ONE reason they are so devastatingly powerful.

Opiates remove the ability of the brain to feel happiness. The addict cannot feel normal happiness like you and I when they see a sunset, or a puppy, or a baby or simply share a few laughs with friends. Their brain has changed to such a degree that they can only feel happiness when they are using. The brain takes about 1 full year to bring back the happiness function. That has got to be one long ass year.

Our high school kids are doing opiates more than all other illegal drugs combined! They are partying with vicodin, just getting that awesome high for the day… and from there it is a just a matter of time.

Soon their brain will change to accommodate the drug and will need more of it.
Soon, just to feel normal feelings, they will need the drug every day.
Soon, they will increase the dosage to get the same normal feelings.
And soon, the pain of withdrawal will be so bad that it is impossible to quit without enduring extreme physical pain for over a week.

And later, a mother will be picking her son or daughter up from jail wondering what the hell to do next. And the mothers will not be alone. But they will feel very alone sometimes, giving up everything to try and find the answer and find something that will just make it stop.

Rush Limbaugh used opiates and chose to lose his hearing as he increased to massive doses of oxycontin to feed his addiction. Many powerful, smart and successful people have lost everything multiple times because of opiates.

If you think you are not affected, think again. The jails are already overcrowded as 80% of the people in there are serving time for drug related crimes. The teens who are just getting into opiates are going to create an even bigger wave of addicts that will push the courts and correctional system way beyond what it is now. The crime supports their habits and everyone is affected. And it will take money to try to control it.

More police, courts, jail, rehab. Lots of money that our already strapped state budgets just don’t have. And families will spend money on rehab that has a 5% success rate in hopes of saving a life. They will mortgage their houses, use up their savings or go in debt charging their credit cards trying desperately to find help for their child.

I am so very grateful for all your comments and replies. Your thoughts really do help and I want you to know that feeling the love and support in your responses means everything to me right now.

Love right back at you!

When you say you love me…

(scroll down to read part 1 and part 2)

An Addict’s Mom  – Part 3

Bumps in the road.

There are good days.  And days that could be better.

I know I need to stay positive and focus on what is good. I often default to “It is what it is” and hope that it is true that everything changes.

And everything changes. Not just for me, but for everyone. For everything. Everywhere. Everything changes. Remember that… you might need to use it some day.

With a few good days under our belt my son and I enjoy his freedom, I enjoy jail stories, learn new lingo, and with his wit and candor I am amused at how he shares his experiences.

And in the midst of the lightness and simplicity of just being together, reality stabs me to say “you are talking to your beloved first born about his time in jail” and I know this is not how it is supposed to be. The other parents don’t talk about jail toilets and cellies with their kids, do they?

No one knows what it really feels like when parents tell me about the accomplishments of their beautiful, talented children who are at the university becoming something frikken fantastic. Listen, I am happy for you. I am proud of your kid, proud of how well it worked out for you. I’m  dying inside, ok?

Back at home I wonder how I will be able to hold it all together and figure out how to be the right kind of mom. If you think babies didn’t come with an instruction manual… try having a 25 year old addict coming home from jail. There is definitely no manual for this.

I know I am not alone, and I know others have their pain and God knows that I don’t get a badge of courage for this one. I deserve one. But I know I’m not getting one.
For so long I didn’t tell anyone the real story about my son’s addiction, his trouble with the law, or my anguish. Nobody wants to hear it anyway.

And I when exactly would I reveal this interesting accomplishment? Right after I hear about the nuclear physicist their son has become, when they ask, “and how is Sean?”

Under my breath I say to myself  “My son? Well he’s in jail again, because he is an opiate addict who has been to numerous rehabs. Oh, and did I tell you I have spent over $100,000 on rehabs that are a horribly inadequate and antiquated way to treat addicts…  just to try to help him get clean?”

No, I haven’t shared the accomplishments of my son. Usually I artfully change the subject. And I try to keep from dying just a little more.

The truth is that so many families are struggling with me, unable to share the horrors of how addiction has torn their family apart in ways they never dreamed when they held their babies in their arms and looked into those beautiful clear eyes.  Those parents who speak up are brave and powerful, and those who are willing to tell the truth about the pain of addiction are like a hand that reaches out of the darkness. I’ll grab that hand.

Today is a good day. After a few bumps in the road this week, today is a big breath of air. Is it OK if sometimes I have to hold that breath just a little?

Last night was hard. Very hard. And when life gets hard there is often a breakthrough in the making.

Sean has hard decisions to make about drugs and the tests that he is going to go through. No one can do it for him.

I am so very grateful for my friend Bruce Muzik who stayed up with Sean until 3 am, willing to work things through and really hear him. I learned so much. And watching them work through Sean’s fear together, I really felt the depth of my love for my son.

Today Sean is bright, shiny and lifted up. He has shifted. One step in a long journey, and it is a step.

Before he left to go to my office, he turned back around and gave me a long hug.
He says he loves me. I believe him.

When you say you love me…

The world goes still, so still inside.

When you say you you love me
In that moment I know why I’m alive.

And this journey that were on
how far we’ve come
I celebrate every moment

And when you say you love me
That’s all you have to say

When you say you love me,
do you know how I love you?

(from Josh Groban’s When you say you love me)

The Wind

(Scroll down to read part 1)
Part 2 – An Addict’s mom

The Wind

Last year when my son was in jail, and I used to sit on the beach and stare at the waves and wonder how it happened. How did I do this? How did he do this? How did I fail him?

“I listen to the wind of my soul…”

Cat Stevens played in my headphones, and the words to THE WIND would take me to the depth of my soul’s longing to go back and make it different. I loved him. How could drugs take my son away from me and shred his life.

“I swam upon the devil’s lake…”
The words float through my head as I stare at the ocean and try to imagine how it must feel to be trapped in your own body with all the guilt, blame, anger tormenting you every minute. And then I try to imagine how he must think about having his life back. He hurts. And the drugs take away the hurt. The devil’s lake.

Last year I thought it was over and that this would be the new beginning that we hoped for. After I picked him up, his commitment was solid. He knew he was not like them… the inmates who kept coming back to jail over and over, unable to ever make good of their life. He was different. He is different.
He is not like them, the degenerates, the poverty stricken, the homeless, uneducated criminals who have no regard for others. Please tell me he is not one of them.

Last year I hated myself every time I had to stand in a line to get visitation privileges so I could talk through a glass window with a phone that has a 12 inch cord. Do you know why it has only a 12 inch cord? So you won’t strangle yourself!

I knew that this image of my son, my baby, now at 6’4” starting at me through glass would be the image that would haunt me the rest of my life. I hate him for it. I hate myself for letting it happen. There must have been something I could have done. I hate myself for hating myself. That last sentence makes me cry.

“I listen to my words, but they fall far below…”
Things didn’t go well after Sean got out. More rehab, more sober living houses and watching him surrounded by a lot of addicts who all have a hair trigger. Chin up girl, you can do this! (but really that feel more like a ?) 
Yes, I will be the wind beneath his wings. After all, I am the great and powerful Wendi. I can help people to do anything, to make their life be like WOW. But wow, this is different in a million ways. And here just an arm’s length away, all the hugs and kisses and love can’t heal what is so badly broken.

I hate this drug culture. I feel bad for using the word hate so much. I don’t think that we should hate anything, it is not healthy. I am scared to look in the deep, dark scary place in my soul where that hate lives. I am scared. Gotta shore up the dam a bit.

A year later and I have to do this again. I have to go shove my ID into that little slot, take shit from a condescending, indifferent woman who will coldly tell me where to go. I am not one of them! But she, and everyone in the jail will treat me like on of them.
I am falling apart in ways I don’t really find very attractive. I hope the dam doesn’t break. I have worked really hard to make it sturdy. Hold tight.
Chin up, chest out.

My Son

An Addict’s Mom – Part 1

My Son

Tomorrow I will go to the Eldorado county jail to pick up my son for the 2nd time.

I am nervous.
When I gave birth to my son, I made a lot of great choices that would create a foundation for a baby to grow up healthy and strong and bright. Everything was in place- I read all the books on how to give him the best of everything… I made sure he had the best foods, the best childcare, involvement in school, great family connections, love and dedication…

And after spending his 25th birthday in jail, I am on my way to pick him up.
They will take away all my belongings and coldly tell me to walk down the hall and follow the blue line.

I will look at him through a tiny window at midnight.
The guards will treat me with indifference.
I will see his face across the room as we wait for them to process his papers.
I will imagine what it will feel like for him to be hugged for the first time in months.
I will cry, and be the most confused, sad, angry and scared that I have ever been in my life.

After a lifetime of loving my child, this moment was never, ever in the plan.

It is not the first time. A year ago, I picked him up from Jail.
My beautiful son- the tall, handsome, creative genius with an unbelievable ability to inspire others- is an addict.
Just like most addicts, he started doing vicodin in school as a recreational way to get high. Vicodin is just the start and it changes the brain in such a way that you have to increase the dosage just to avoid withdrawals. As you work your way up to Oxycontin you become a horribly addicted opiate addict.

The withdrawals are severe and intense. You increase your dosage to avoid the physcial pain and hate yourself more and more as you spend every hour of your day managing your addiction.

And after getting high with vicodin because it feels good, your life is deeply and profoundly changed forever.

In the last 4 years my life has been a constant struggle to try to figure out how to make him stop.
I have sacrificed so much, we all have.
As he battles with an addicted brain, and the pain and guilt of having hurt so many people, he reaches for anything that will numb his pain.
Opiates robbed his brain of the  ability to feel good or just plain happy on it’s own. His brain depends on opiates to feel what we consider to be a natural state of happiness.

He hurts. He openly tells me how horrible it is to steal to get money for oxy. He hates it and lives with his guilt every day.
In jail the first time he, and all those drug addicts that surround him, sit and deal with the sentence that is greater than any judge could impose.
The fear of how you will deal with reality without drugs.
The guilt of knowing that you have hurt those that love you so deeply… and that it will probably happen again.

Sean battles with his fragile state of going back to life without having any new tools, thoughts or direction to release his demons. Jail doesn’t provide much in the way of personal growth.

When the phone rings and I see that same number on the caller ID I am excited to talk to him. I listen to the recording telling me that this is a call from an inmate at the Eldorado County correctional facility. I have that recorded voice stuck in my head. I love to hear his voice. He sounds so hopeful and so ready to make his life into something remarkable.

How did this happen?
I loved him, cared for him, read to him, hugged him, woke him up each morning with loving words, held his dreams in my heart, and tried and tried to do my best.
He has been in jail for 3 months this time. Jail. Correctional facility. Correction, yea right. What is it correcting?

My fear is that despite his overwhelming desire to never, ever go back to drug use,  it could happen. Families of addicts know that you hold on hard to your dream of having a happy, healthy child who has learned from the depths of hell, that it is time to live without drugs. And these families also know that your holding on for dear life. Literally. I am holding on-  to a thread of hope.

Addiction makes you something you never thought you would be. And involves everyone and everything in your life.

Tomorrow I will go pick up my son.
I will hope, pray, and scream from the depths of my soul that this is the last time he and I share this special moment together.

I am certain this will be the last time I see him in jail.
I am certain this is the last time he will do drugs.
And yea, I am scared.