In Reference to my brother, my big brother who died 13 years ago. Mitchell Lee Ayers 03/15/1971 – 09/26/1997
I was recently telling my folks that I still dream about Mitch, he sometimes would appear in my dreams as if he was alive…sometimes aged even by my mind to an appropriate appearance, and would sometimes confuse me as to his life and death, in the dream state anyway.
So – I have recently begun a series of self hypnosis audios, to heal. to let go of the past, to program my mind for success and so on .
The thing about hypnosis is it is all internal, there are no outward signs of progress or lack of – my eyes don’t turn a different color, or I don’t wake up 10 pounds heavier – but something is definitely changing under the surface.
Last night Mitch showed up in my dream, and for the first time ever, I confronted him ( my mind’s memory of him) with “why are you here? You’re dead and I know it, stop confusing me” or something like that. The dream image of my brother first became defensive, trying to justify his existence – “no I’m still alive, i was just away at school”, or something like that.
Then I became angry ” No, you’re fucking dead. We buried you. I remember saying goodbye.” THEN the dream got weird and the dream Mitch vamped out with big black hollow eyes and a nightmarish grin – which would have been something he would have done in real life to scare the shit out of me when I was a boy.
So here’s what happened this morning. I have a track called “open heart forgiveness” and I realize I have a lot of issues with the past and with my brother ( still) first of all for being an abusive asshole to me my entire life, then for freaking dying on us.
So I do this 20 minute guided hypnosis on forgiveness, and wow. I really accessed a very tender part of myself. In the sequence you imagine ( under trance – which is very much like the dream state) a special room, for me it ended up being a totally white room, with two chairs. Like a light box. just me, in one chair, and on the other side of the room, an empty chair. And who should decide to join me in this healing session? Who decided in the line of many people I need to forgive, but big brother.
Once the dialogue started, I started crying. I mean, big time sobs. I’m not sure if I have EVER cried this hard or this deep. I imagine a lot of it was grief, still buried in my heart, but also, a lot of anger, and frustration, and hurt. I mean, we’re talking about my big brother here.
So one of the really beautiful things that came from this, healing, was when I allowed him to tell me something I didn’t know, and he thanked me for standing by him. He thanked me for being his little brother, and through all of his health problems, his journey, I was there for him as an inspiration. He always wanted to be like me. That means so much to me. I was so angry that I had an older brother with problems ( seizures) and resented that I could not have a normal sibling. So that was powerful.
There were other words exchanged, but I still am amazed at the depth and intensity of my sobs.
Actually its funny, when the audio first started I tried to crowd my mom and dad AND my brother in the same room. (Group therapy ) But realized quickly that I had complex issues with each of them to forgive ( and ask forgiveness) so I had to send mom and dad outside the ‘room’ and wait for their own sessions.
So who do you need to forgive in your life? Forgiveness is not something you do for others, but something you do for yourself, for your own soul.
Finally, in the sequence, you are guided to an imagery of exchanging gifts – a visual representation of the intangible gift of forgiveness, and so my brother gave me an image of the infinity symbol, in a circle.
I will probably need to do this again with him, as there was just so much history, so much pain, abuse, and of course, the unbelievably complex issue of his death – anger, guilt, grief, All in the past, all anchors around my neck that I’m finally letting go of.
Hypnosis is incredibly powerful thing. – In a matter of 5 minutes, I had accessed probably one of the most painful issues in my heart and mind, and like I said, just pouring tears – something I could not access consciously. Thanks Wendi
Oh, and so I drew an image of the gift, and I went to his grave this morning, somewhere i seldom go to, and I put it on his headstone, and i prayed, and I tried to connect my unconscious experience with my waking state. And I think it worked.
I forgive you big brother. We love you and miss you, you are released from any animosity or hard feelings from me. I know you loved me and cared for me in your own way.
Lastly, I asked him to stop coming into my dreams and confusing me, and that he appear more like obi one kenobe, ( with a soft glow ) so that he’s welcome to visit, but as his true form, a memory, as a spiritual guide, but not as a confusing past memory of someone who is deceased. That’s healing.